[ In the time following the raid on Achamoth, Gray has had more than enough time to think. As with the silence after an explosion, the shock of all that's happened washes over her, allows her to hit a reset button on her thinking. It gives her time to stop and step back and evaluate how she should think about Barnaby.
Even so, she isn't quite prepared when he contacts her out of the blue. As she sits at the entrance to the Seeker shrine, guarding the shard of the man Barnaby dissipated, it's hard to pretend that things are normal. Even though this is normal by this world's standards. Barnaby and Eustace are on opposite sides, and it's expected that people on opposite sides will fight each other. Despite that, it feels all wrong. What makes things especially difficult is knowing that something happened to Barnaby after his sabotage that left him different at the end of it.
There's a long pause before she responds, and when she does, there's a blunt despondency to her tone, a helpless grain of grief. ]
[There could be any number of things that could have caused such grief, any number of actions he took during the raid, but it's still like a knife to the heart to hear that question. Still, he's made his choices, and he's prepared to live with the consequences. Even if that hurts someone he cares about, he has to do what is necessary.
So he gives her an answer.]
I had rejected the Kenoma, and the Regent's goals, because of my own misconceptions. The Regent simply corrected that, and returned me to the correct path.
It was a difficult process, [He can't deny that much, when she had seen the state he was in when he went to see her shortly after his release--] but it was a necessary one. I'm grateful to them.
[ There's something about his response that feels wrong. He says he feels grateful, and maybe he is, but there's nothing personal or passionate there, only a barren acceptance of the discipline he was given. He frames what was done to him as enlightenment, but to her ears it sounds like propaganda. ]
Are you aware of what I did in Venera, when those of us assigned there were ordered to arrest known rebels and dissidents? I helped rescue a number of them, even if that meant turning against the other Kenoma and attacking them. I rejected the Kenoma completely, and when I lost my powers, I was captured and returned to Achamoth.
[It's almost unnaturally calm, even robotic, the way Barnaby relays all these details -- or it would be, if not for the barely-contained spike of anxiety and distress that leaks across their connection. Even as twisted as he is now, even if he can repeat verbatim what the Regent has lead him to believe, that doesn't mean those events harmed him any less.]
Some of my memories are unclear after that. But I recall very clearly that the Regent showed me why I was mistaken to risk so much only for a handful of lives. Across all the many words, humanity always inflicts suffering and cruelty on itself. I saw countless atrocities, endless injustices... The indifference endured by those who suffer most, those born into neglect with no one to care for them, who are exploited and abused... The majority who live safe and comfortable lives, choosing to live in ignorance while those less fortunate than them are crushed under their heels...
[The details of what the Regent showed him, endless visions of horrors he could do nothing to fix, isn't something he wants to share with Gray. But it still gnaws at the edges of their connection, eating away at his tattered psyche like an insidious poison. And behind that all, the massive, overwhelming weight of the Regent's will, the weight of bearing witness an entire cosmos of suffering, a weight Barnaby had witnessed and now carried with him everywhere. A bitter sense of compassion and empathy for the very living things the Kenoma seeks to destroy.]
Ultimately, saving a few people won't be able to fix that fundamental flaw. A hero can only respond to those in distress in their path, but they can't rescue a society rotten at its very roots.
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no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 04:15 am (UTC)Even so, she isn't quite prepared when he contacts her out of the blue. As she sits at the entrance to the Seeker shrine, guarding the shard of the man Barnaby dissipated, it's hard to pretend that things are normal. Even though this is normal by this world's standards. Barnaby and Eustace are on opposite sides, and it's expected that people on opposite sides will fight each other. Despite that, it feels all wrong. What makes things especially difficult is knowing that something happened to Barnaby after his sabotage that left him different at the end of it.
There's a long pause before she responds, and when she does, there's a blunt despondency to her tone, a helpless grain of grief. ]
What did the Regent do to you?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 12:01 pm (UTC)So he gives her an answer.]
I had rejected the Kenoma, and the Regent's goals, because of my own misconceptions. The Regent simply corrected that, and returned me to the correct path.
It was a difficult process, [He can't deny that much, when she had seen the state he was in when he went to see her shortly after his release--] but it was a necessary one. I'm grateful to them.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 04:12 am (UTC)What... misconceptions?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 11:29 am (UTC)[It's almost unnaturally calm, even robotic, the way Barnaby relays all these details -- or it would be, if not for the barely-contained spike of anxiety and distress that leaks across their connection. Even as twisted as he is now, even if he can repeat verbatim what the Regent has lead him to believe, that doesn't mean those events harmed him any less.]
Some of my memories are unclear after that. But I recall very clearly that the Regent showed me why I was mistaken to risk so much only for a handful of lives. Across all the many words, humanity always inflicts suffering and cruelty on itself. I saw countless atrocities, endless injustices... The indifference endured by those who suffer most, those born into neglect with no one to care for them, who are exploited and abused... The majority who live safe and comfortable lives, choosing to live in ignorance while those less fortunate than them are crushed under their heels...
[The details of what the Regent showed him, endless visions of horrors he could do nothing to fix, isn't something he wants to share with Gray. But it still gnaws at the edges of their connection, eating away at his tattered psyche like an insidious poison. And behind that all, the massive, overwhelming weight of the Regent's will, the weight of bearing witness an entire cosmos of suffering, a weight Barnaby had witnessed and now carried with him everywhere. A bitter sense of compassion and empathy for the very living things the Kenoma seeks to destroy.]
Ultimately, saving a few people won't be able to fix that fundamental flaw. A hero can only respond to those in distress in their path, but they can't rescue a society rotten at its very roots.
That is the misconception I had, Gray.