[ While Mordred is retching, Gray awakens with nothing but an abrupt opening of her eyes and sweat beading her forehead. The scene that played out in her sleep wasn't a dream so much as a memory; she knows it not as someone who could now be called a Master, but as someone who's already been called a Sibyl. The remnant memories of the dead have plagued her sleeping hours all her life.
But it's rare indeed that the memories feature someone she knows in the present, and in the few times it's happened before, the spirits have been in close proximity. Not so this time with Mordred; Gray can feel that the knight is far away with a clarity that's still new to her. The magical bond that connects them as Master and Servant is astounding. She would have liked something like it to keep track of her old mentor in London.
In any case, she's unable to go back to sleep so she starts her morning early. She wonders if she should discuss what she saw with Mordred or if that would only deepen the invasion of privacy... but in the end, Mordred herself forces the issue by forcing her way into Gray's house.
Gray looks up from where she's quietly sat in the living room, brushing out a fluffy gray cat. Even though there's no one else around, she is still vigilantly hooded. Gray stares at Mordred, processing what she's said. And then it clicks. Maybe Mordred saw a memory too...? ]
What did you see?
[ She doesn't get up, but there's plenty of room on the couch she's on and the adjacent one. Gray figures Mordred will sit if she wants to, regardless of an invitation or lack thereof. Gray should probably be more reactive about Mordred barging in, but it is something she expects more than ever now. ]
[ Cat..................... her entire mood shifting, Mordred plops down cross-legged on the couch beside Gray, reaching over to pet the kitty. ]
My father. Part of him, at least. [ As if he doesn't already haunt her waking moments enough. The cat bunts against her hand, and she focuses her full attention on it instead of Gray; rubbing the side of its cheek gently. ] "The will of the king that was". ... This isn't me praising you at all, but it's a little impressive that you stood up to him despite your disadvantage. But just a little. Medium impressive at most.
[ Gray doesn't stop the cat from stretching over to soak up Mordred's attention. She didn't expect Mordred to like cats, but maybe it makes sense given the body they share.
She looks over at Mordred, unconsciously staring as it dawns on her that Mordred saw not just a memory, but a memory of Gray's. It's a strange reversal; usually Gray is the only one impeding on other people's private memories. She isn't sure how she feels about it, but it's probably fair to say this is some measure of karma at play.
Her head tips as she tries to recall what exactly Mordred might have seen, and how embarrassing that memory will be in hindsight. Even though the mind of King Arthur was unforgettable, the haze of a year and half's distance puts a different perspective on things. ]
I inconvenienced a lot of people getting there... but if it impressed you, I suppose I can be proud.
[ Medium impressive at most is still pretty darn good. That said, ]
We lost that fight, though. It's a miracle we survived.
[ She protests loudly, but reins herself in when the cat startles, soothing it with chin scritches. ]
It's obvious you lost. You know as well as I do that nothing can stand against that lance. [ Not even her usual except me. Pausing, she gnaws on the inside of her cheek, wondering if Gray even knows why Mordred saw such a sight in the first place. ]
This is my first time forming a contract with someone, but apparently it's common for Masters and Servants to see each other's pasts in dreams. No doubt that applies double to ones with a connection as strong as ours. So don't be surprised if it happens to you as well.
[ Less confidently, said to the top of the cat's head rather than to Gray's face: ] What I mean is... I didn't do it on purpose. My past ain't exactly private, but that doesn't mean yours shouldn't be. [ ... ] I'm still gonna keep bugging you about it if I see something weird, though.
[ So memory sharing is common between Masters and Servants. What a strange thing. Gray will have to expect to see Mordred's memories regularly then, probably more than an average Master would. It's a bit daunting to think about, but at the same time she's curious to know more about the Mordred that lived fully as a human, bound to the time and place she was born. Even though the Servant Mordred is fully formed in terms of personality, she's still essentially a ghost.
Gray looks at Mordred's lowered head as she realizes that the other girl is trying to apologize without actually apologizing. A masterful contortion, and actually a bit endearing, but Gray knows better than to say that aloud. ]
There's a high chance you'll keep seeing weird things. I don't mind if it's you seeing them, though. It might be better than trying to explain things in words.
[ As she firmly lacks verbal eloquence, and some things she experienced were simply too complicated for her to explain now in a satisfactory way. There's no doubt that Mordred will see things that were embarrassing for Gray, but those will be things for future Gray to worry about. ]
Meh, I knew you were gonna be a pain in my ass the first moment I saw you. So if you don't care, then I don't care. Means one less thing for me to worry about.
[ Not that she was worried. Now attempting to shake hands with the cat, she frowns when it jumps to the floor to lick itself, and instead stretches her arms out towards the ceiling; pausing to look down when Gray speaks again. ]
Oh, yeah? What was it? [ She sounds curious, but unbothered. She's confident that she has no memories that would embarrass her or be awkward... despite having many, many that would be both. But Gray's the one person who can get away with asking about almost anything in her past. ]
[ "I knew you were going to be in the pain in the ass immediately" should really be Gray's line. She watches as Mordred plays off the cat (Fluffy) refusing her handshake, and then watches another cat, a ginger tabby (Norangie), slink into the room with a sideways stare at Mordred.
Gray pauses as she considers how to word things. ]
You were asking Guinevere to marry you.
[ To put things in the nicest possible terms. Mordred attempting to steal away King Arthur's wife was an event known in legend, but viewing it in real time felt considerably more dramatic. She has to pity Guinevere, whose position as the wife of another secret woman Gray truthfully never considered before Mordred's memory. As for Mordred... Gray frowns a little. ]
[ "Asking" is putting it kindly, considering the pursuit that followed, but Mordred doesn't flinch at being made to recall how terrible she was to the woman in question. Either because it's so far from the worst thing she did; or, more likely, she just genuinely feels no guilt over her actions. ]
Are you an idiot? I would've married her, obviously. [ She flexes from side to side, making mild grunts of effort, as if this is a totally normal conversation about totally normal things. ] Imagine my father rushing home to see not just his kingdom, but his wife, in my hands. It would have driven him even further into hatred and despair.
But man, you should've seen the look on the bishop's face when I told him. Said he'd curse me with bell, book, and candle. Never knew an old guy could run that fast.
[ Whichever memories of Gray's Mordred ends up seeing, Gray can at least be assured that she won't come across any worse than Mordred has with this first one. It's true that Gray is used to mages being bad people, but Mordred might be more incorrigible than a majority of them.
Gray is at least familiar with people marrying purely for political or practical reasons, so she understands the logical point behind Mordred trying to take Guinevere for herself. It's the spiteful side of her logic that Gray can't connect with. Thinking of the Husk King, or even the apparition of Arthur she and Mordred saw that time in the fog, Gray can't imagine Arthur emoting such raw emotions as hatred or despair — even though his facesake Mordred has displayed plenty of hatred, and Gray has felt plenty of despair.
There's a lot Gray could say, but she diplomatically keeps it at: ]
I'm glad we aren't enemies.
[ Even though they technically are, according to the letter of the law. ]
We are, though. [ She says, lounging on Gray's couch, in Gray's house, in the middle of so-called enemy territory. Hm. ] Anyway, she locked herself up in the Tower of London after that. Once word got out that King Arthur was alive, I gave up my pursuit. I don't know or care what became of her in the end.
[ Her, or anyone else besides Arthur. Finally spotting the newcomer kitty, Mordred slides down onto the floor to meet it; arching her back in a very catlike pose to entreat it to come closer. It's almost impossible to think of more disingenuous scene, but such is the Mordred experience. ]
[ It's a miracle Guinevere survived Britain's messy ending. Gray wonders if she was grateful or guilty for it.
Such somber musings are no match for the bizarre sight of Mordred roleplaying a cat on the floor, which Gray would not have put on her Mordred-themed bingo card. She has to wonder if there's something strange going on in Kenos again, like one of those brief convulsions of Mystery where people start sprouting animal parts. ]
Sometimes they follow me home when I feed them. I didn't intend for so many to stay, but they do behave themselves.
[ As if sensing they're being talked about, yet another cat pokes its calico head around a corner to observe the weirdo human stretched out like a cat. ]
The gray one is Fluffy, the ginger one is Norangie, and the calico is Pepper.
[ As if she needs an excuse to be weird. Sitting back on her haunches, she waves her hands in the air, grinning when Norangie starts to bat at them. ]
Heh. You say you didn't intend on it, but you've got a whole family of 'em.
[ ... Which makes her feel some kind of way. She tries not to frown, but it's obvious she's thinking about something less than pleasant, and even her hands grow still. ]
... Y'know, that's one thing I've never asked you about. My old lady was the worst of the freakin' worst, but your parents must have been real asshats too. Maybe... [ She trails off, her expression inscrutable, before she resumes playing with the cat; albeit much less enthusiastically than before. ] Nah, nevermind. Forget I said anything.
[ If Mordred will be seeing her memories, she'll probably see Gray's parents in them sooner or later. Gray shakes her head. ]
It's okay. My parents... they were warm and loving when I was a child. After my body changed, they became devout about worshipping me.
[ She doesn't need to explain why. She watches as Pepper hops onto the back of the couch next to her so that she (Pepper) can watch Mordred and Norangie's boxing match. ]
My father died soon afterward, so I don't have many memories of him. My mother... she became controlling. She put me on a strict schedule and picked what I would eat and wear at all times. It was like she'd become a different person, and I began to dread her.
[ Yet a part of Gray still loved her mother, even though she knew it was foolish. And because leaving the description of her mother there would be a disservice, she continues, ]
I learned later that she was trying to save me in her own way. By controlling and imitating me, she was able to adopt my "frequency" enough to trick the mind of King Arthur into entering her body instead of mine. And then she tried to kill herself with the mind of King Arthur trapped inside of her.
[ Mordred crinkles her nose a bit at the idea of anyone's parents being warm and loving, but doesn't interrupt. Boxing match officially on pause, she glances intermittently at Gray's face; wanting to give her privacy, but also wanting context clues for her words. In the end, there's only a long pause, and an equally long sigh. ]
This might sound rich comin' from me of all people, but you know your life is effin' nuts, right? [ Just in case that fact somehow escaped her. ]
I can't tell if I should admire the audacity of a stunt like that, or be pissed that she used a part of my father to do it. [ No: on second thought, she's definitely pissed. She's just not sure why, which is infuriating in its own way. ] I guess... in the end, she made sure you stayed 'you', no matter the cost. She was willing to sacrifice everything else for that one thing.
... Is that... [ She chews on her lip, struggling to get the words out. There's nothing she hates more than feeling vulnerable, being forced to question a long held belief about the way the world is, and what it means for her. ] Is that what a mother is supposed to be like?
I figured all of 'em were the same to some degree. Perhaps loving on the surface, but they'd always put themselves first if push came to shove. But it doesn't make sense for her to go so far, if that were the case. [ She doesn't understand. She can't understand. ]
[ Mordred will have found Gray's expression to be even, if a bit wistful, during her description of her parents. Even if there was love at its foundation, Gray's relationship with her mother was both complicated and distant; to an extent, Gray isn't sure she can say she really knew who her mother was, so complete was her facade. But Mordred is right that Gray's mother was fully prepared to sacrifice herself for Gray, only falling short at the very last minute — though not for lack of trying.
Sensing that the topic is one that Mordred is genuinely grappling with, it's Gray's turn to glance over. Mordred's mother was of course the infamous witch Morgan, who was apparently responsible for the "purpose" of Gray's village. She's a figure still shrouded in mystery from Gray's perspective, but it wouldn't surprise her if Morgan was an inattentive mother.
Regarding Mordred's last point, ]
I thought that too. That the strength of familial love might actually be really weak. When I used to read stories about families that would do anything for each other, I thought they were closer to fantasy.
[ Because it wasn't just her family, but her entire village that gleefully discarded her individuality in a second. They had been warm and loving as well, until they weren't. How could Gray have faith in love after that? ]
I'm not really sure what my mother was thinking either. If things hadn't played out in the peculiar way they did, she would have sacrificed herself, and I still would have been doomed to stay in that village. My life wouldn't have been any better.
[ If anything, she would've been better off dead; it would never have occurred to her to try to leave, and she's sure she would have eventually gone insane in that place. If Gray's mentor hadn't come along to take her away, her mother's decade of effort would have been for nothing.
Her head tips slowly as she tries to put a point to what she's trying to say. ]
I don't know if I can say she was a normal mother. Maybe she was just an especially kind, determined, and optimistic person.
[ "Inattentive" would have been a blessing compared to the reality. There's a reason Mordred and Agravain turned out the way they did in comparison to their siblings — a more active hand shaped a more awful product. For a second, she wonders how she'd feel if Morgan's manipulation of her turned out to be for some self-sacrificing cause, then has to stop herself from abruptly laughing. No; Morgan le Fay never had a thought for anyone but herself in her entire wretched life. ]
Maybe. [ She agrees, because this is so far out of her area of expertise that she can't even hazard a guess. Worn out from the effort of thinking, she flops down onto her stomach and stretches out; wiggling her fingertips in the air. ] But she's the only one who could answer those questions. You made it sound like she's still alive, so... ever thought about what you'd wanna say to her?
[ She knows that if Zenith win, Gray won't ever have the chance. Even so, she chooses to ignore one what-if in favour of another. ]
[ She's thought about that a lot in fact, but she still doesn't have a concrete answer. Thanks to the totality of the mask her mother wore, Gray feels almost as though she didn't know her mother well — except as someone who loved her daughter, and tried to fight for her in her own desperate way. ]
I think I'd apologize. I'm certain she could see I was afraid of her. It must have hurt her, no matter how sure she was that she was doing the right thing.
[ Despite living with Gray and the other villagers, she must have been lonely in her secrecy as much as Gray was lonely in her isolation. Gray would have liked to take her away to London to show her the good things in the world, the same as Gray's mentor once did for her.
She looks over at Mordred to see her flopped on the ground. Gray hasn't interacted with many children, but Mordred's fidgetiness makes her think of one. ]
How about your mother? If she showed up here someday, would you want to talk to her?
[ Mordred stills instantly at the question, not having anticipated it. In retrospect, she obviously should have, but she'd been so focused on Gray's answer about her mother, vicariously imagining a fantasy in which her own would care so much, that she allowed herself to be caught off guard. ]
... I don't have anything to say to that witch. If she shows up, it'll be Clarent doing the talking.
[ Though Gray might notice that her expression doesn't quite reflect the surety of her claim — it's angry, yes, but her pensiveness betrays something deeper; an emotion not so easily put into words. One thing is for certain: the bad vibes are strong. ]
Besides, what's there to ask? "Why did you hate the king so much?" I already know that. "Why did you curse me with this form?" I know that, too. [ And yet it's clear she's thinking about it. That she's been thinking about it for a long time. ] There's nothing she can say that would satisfy me. Hell, I don't even know if her death would. [ She seems surprised at admitting this. Norangie headbutts her with a tiny mew of concern, but she's too distracted to acknowledge it, and one of her hands curls into a fist. ] Even so, I'd cut her down without a second thought. I know her tricks, so it'd be easy.
[ No it wouldn't. It'd be nothing short of a suicide mission, utterly doomed to failure, but she'd still do it. ]
[ That's a lot to chew on. The common consensus in legend was that Morgan and Mordred plotted together to ruin Arthur, but it seems like Mordred hated Morgan as well. Gray has yet to hear Mordred speak positively of anyone from her time...
Gray at least knows what she'd ask Morgan: "Why did you go so far to try to revive the king?" The answer would be obvious for anyone other than Morgan; most would understand that the return of a legendary king would be glorious to his people. But most people aren't Morgan, who devised the fall of that very same king. Morgan's answer would ultimately make no difference to Gray, who fundamentally needs to reject Arthur's existence to preserve her own, but perhaps it would give meaning to the generations of villagers who preceded her.
Gray is slightly skeptical about Mordred being able to cut Morgan down with ease, not matter how strong Mordred is, but she notes the enthusiasm. ]
If the time ever comes, you should let me help you. Masters and Servants... are supposed to be stronger when they fight together, right?
[ In theory?? As Gray isn't a mage, she isn't sure if her only purpose would be to serve as a battery. ]
[ It's a valid question, and one that a part of Mordred, against her better judgment, would be interested in hearing answered. The (main) problem is that she doesn't trust Morgan to give either of them a straight answer; and, perhaps more pressingly, doesn't trust herself to not get enraged at said answer, no matter what it is. Morgan's rare truths have a habit of hurting more than the ignorance they replace. ]
You don't know the kind of shit she's capable of, mouse. People's bodies, their souls, they're all nothing to her. Just playthings compared to her obsession. [ When Mordred calls someone obsessed, you know it's bad. ] If usin' you could get her even half a step closer, she won't hesitate.
[ There's nothing more she can do to destroy Mordred's life. There's a lot more she can still do to destroy Gray's. ]
I know you have just as much right to confront her as I do. But I won't... I mean, you can't give her the chance to finish what your village started. You're different from me, in a good way.
[ A big admittance, for someone as surface level arrogant as Mordred. She'll call Gray many things: weak, pathetic, annoying, troublesome; but in the end, she's the one who needs to live on. Someone who builds, instead of just destroying. Someone with people who want her. Someone who deserves to be wanted. ]
[ While she'd like to ask Morgan a few things, existential questions wouldn't be as important to Gray as ensuring Mordred's victory. It might be overly sentimental of Gray to put more value in the life of a spirit over the real answers Morgan could potentially provide — but in a more logical sense, Morgan's answers might not mean anything, and Mordred would be Gray's best bet at survival in the long term.
With a thumb she rubs absently at the command seals burned into the back of her hand, turning thoughts over in her head. There's a number of things she'd like to say, but she's never been in the habit of letting her thoughts stampede straight to her mouth. ]
You said before that you wanted a bold Master who would do anything to win. How can I do that if you won't let me fight with you when it matters?
... Ha! Yeah, I did say somethin' like that, didn't I? [ Less "like that" and more "exactly that", but details. ] You know, it's rude to use people's words against them. You've been hangin' around too many bad influences.
[ Despite her jocular tone, she's clearly taken Gray's (well, her own) words to heart. She rolls onto her back and grins at her, holding up her fist. ]
We'll do it together, then. Just remember to follow my orders like a good squire... no, like a good Master should. [ hm ]
Mordred's use of the capital-M word is unexpected, and feels a bit wrong in that Gray thinks no one should be calling her that even if it's a Term... but as with all things Mordred, she has to look at the sentiment rather than the execution. With a small smile, she leans to gently bump Mordred's fist. ]
[ Mordred sits up so suddenly that Norangie scatters in fright, her jovial expression replaced by a scowl. ]
You heard it too, right? Where are you hiding, you bastard? [ She sticks a hand under the couch and starts furiously sweeping it from side to side, as if a whole-ass knight could possibly fit in the tiny space. ]
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no subject
Date: 2023-10-27 05:58 am (UTC)But it's rare indeed that the memories feature someone she knows in the present, and in the few times it's happened before, the spirits have been in close proximity. Not so this time with Mordred; Gray can feel that the knight is far away with a clarity that's still new to her. The magical bond that connects them as Master and Servant is astounding. She would have liked something like it to keep track of her old mentor in London.
In any case, she's unable to go back to sleep so she starts her morning early. She wonders if she should discuss what she saw with Mordred or if that would only deepen the invasion of privacy... but in the end, Mordred herself forces the issue by forcing her way into Gray's house.
Gray looks up from where she's quietly sat in the living room, brushing out a fluffy gray cat. Even though there's no one else around, she is still vigilantly hooded. Gray stares at Mordred, processing what she's said. And then it clicks. Maybe Mordred saw a memory too...? ]
What did you see?
[ She doesn't get up, but there's plenty of room on the couch she's on and the adjacent one. Gray figures Mordred will sit if she wants to, regardless of an invitation or lack thereof. Gray should probably be more reactive about Mordred barging in, but it is something she expects more than ever now. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-27 06:45 am (UTC)My father. Part of him, at least. [ As if he doesn't already haunt her waking moments enough. The cat bunts against her hand, and she focuses her full attention on it instead of Gray; rubbing the side of its cheek gently. ] "The will of the king that was". ... This isn't me praising you at all, but it's a little impressive that you stood up to him despite your disadvantage. But just a little. Medium impressive at most.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-27 07:45 am (UTC)She looks over at Mordred, unconsciously staring as it dawns on her that Mordred saw not just a memory, but a memory of Gray's. It's a strange reversal; usually Gray is the only one impeding on other people's private memories. She isn't sure how she feels about it, but it's probably fair to say this is some measure of karma at play.
Her head tips as she tries to recall what exactly Mordred might have seen, and how embarrassing that memory will be in hindsight. Even though the mind of King Arthur was unforgettable, the haze of a year and half's distance puts a different perspective on things. ]
I inconvenienced a lot of people getting there... but if it impressed you, I suppose I can be proud.
[ Medium impressive at most is still pretty darn good. That said, ]
We lost that fight, though. It's a miracle we survived.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-27 09:04 am (UTC)[ She protests loudly, but reins herself in when the cat startles, soothing it with chin scritches. ]
It's obvious you lost. You know as well as I do that nothing can stand against that lance. [ Not even her usual except me. Pausing, she gnaws on the inside of her cheek, wondering if Gray even knows why Mordred saw such a sight in the first place. ]
This is my first time forming a contract with someone, but apparently it's common for Masters and Servants to see each other's pasts in dreams. No doubt that applies double to ones with a connection as strong as ours. So don't be surprised if it happens to you as well.
[ Less confidently, said to the top of the cat's head rather than to Gray's face: ] What I mean is... I didn't do it on purpose. My past ain't exactly private, but that doesn't mean yours shouldn't be. [ ... ] I'm still gonna keep bugging you about it if I see something weird, though.
[ Thanks, Mordred. ]
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Date: 2023-10-28 09:26 am (UTC)Gray looks at Mordred's lowered head as she realizes that the other girl is trying to apologize without actually apologizing. A masterful contortion, and actually a bit endearing, but Gray knows better than to say that aloud. ]
There's a high chance you'll keep seeing weird things. I don't mind if it's you seeing them, though. It might be better than trying to explain things in words.
[ As she firmly lacks verbal eloquence, and some things she experienced were simply too complicated for her to explain now in a satisfactory way. There's no doubt that Mordred will see things that were embarrassing for Gray, but those will be things for future Gray to worry about. ]
I saw a memory of yours too, by the way.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-28 12:16 pm (UTC)[ Not that she was worried. Now attempting to shake hands with the cat, she frowns when it jumps to the floor to lick itself, and instead stretches her arms out towards the ceiling; pausing to look down when Gray speaks again. ]
Oh, yeah? What was it? [ She sounds curious, but unbothered. She's confident that she has no memories that would embarrass her or be awkward... despite having many, many that would be both. But Gray's the one person who can get away with asking about almost anything in her past. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-29 05:43 am (UTC)Gray pauses as she considers how to word things. ]
You were asking Guinevere to marry you.
[ To put things in the nicest possible terms. Mordred attempting to steal away King Arthur's wife was an event known in legend, but viewing it in real time felt considerably more dramatic. She has to pity Guinevere, whose position as the wife of another secret woman Gray truthfully never considered before Mordred's memory. As for Mordred... Gray frowns a little. ]
What would you have done if she'd said yes?
no subject
Date: 2023-10-29 12:41 pm (UTC)Are you an idiot? I would've married her, obviously. [ She flexes from side to side, making mild grunts of effort, as if this is a totally normal conversation about totally normal things. ] Imagine my father rushing home to see not just his kingdom, but his wife, in my hands. It would have driven him even further into hatred and despair.
But man, you should've seen the look on the bishop's face when I told him. Said he'd curse me with bell, book, and candle. Never knew an old guy could run that fast.
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Date: 2023-10-30 05:00 am (UTC)Gray is at least familiar with people marrying purely for political or practical reasons, so she understands the logical point behind Mordred trying to take Guinevere for herself. It's the spiteful side of her logic that Gray can't connect with. Thinking of the Husk King, or even the apparition of Arthur she and Mordred saw that time in the fog, Gray can't imagine Arthur emoting such raw emotions as hatred or despair — even though his facesake Mordred has displayed plenty of hatred, and Gray has felt plenty of despair.
There's a lot Gray could say, but she diplomatically keeps it at: ]
I'm glad we aren't enemies.
[ Even though they technically are, according to the letter of the law. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-10-30 06:14 am (UTC)[ Her, or anyone else besides Arthur. Finally spotting the newcomer kitty, Mordred slides down onto the floor to meet it; arching her back in a very catlike pose to entreat it to come closer. It's almost impossible to think of more disingenuous scene, but such is the Mordred experience. ]
For a mouse, you sure do like cats.
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Date: 2023-10-30 05:30 pm (UTC)Such somber musings are no match for the bizarre sight of Mordred roleplaying a cat on the floor, which Gray would not have put on her Mordred-themed bingo card. She has to wonder if there's something strange going on in Kenos again, like one of those brief convulsions of Mystery where people start sprouting animal parts. ]
Sometimes they follow me home when I feed them. I didn't intend for so many to stay, but they do behave themselves.
[ As if sensing they're being talked about, yet another cat pokes its calico head around a corner to observe the weirdo human stretched out like a cat. ]
The gray one is Fluffy, the ginger one is Norangie, and the calico is Pepper.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-30 08:04 pm (UTC)Heh. You say you didn't intend on it, but you've got a whole family of 'em.
[ ... Which makes her feel some kind of way. She tries not to frown, but it's obvious she's thinking about something less than pleasant, and even her hands grow still. ]
... Y'know, that's one thing I've never asked you about. My old lady was the worst of the freakin' worst, but your parents must have been real asshats too. Maybe... [ She trails off, her expression inscrutable, before she resumes playing with the cat; albeit much less enthusiastically than before. ] Nah, nevermind. Forget I said anything.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-31 12:09 am (UTC)It's okay. My parents... they were warm and loving when I was a child. After my body changed, they became devout about worshipping me.
[ She doesn't need to explain why. She watches as Pepper hops onto the back of the couch next to her so that she (Pepper) can watch Mordred and Norangie's boxing match. ]
My father died soon afterward, so I don't have many memories of him. My mother... she became controlling. She put me on a strict schedule and picked what I would eat and wear at all times. It was like she'd become a different person, and I began to dread her.
[ Yet a part of Gray still loved her mother, even though she knew it was foolish. And because leaving the description of her mother there would be a disservice, she continues, ]
I learned later that she was trying to save me in her own way. By controlling and imitating me, she was able to adopt my "frequency" enough to trick the mind of King Arthur into entering her body instead of mine. And then she tried to kill herself with the mind of King Arthur trapped inside of her.
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Date: 2023-11-04 12:53 am (UTC)This might sound rich comin' from me of all people, but you know your life is effin' nuts, right? [ Just in case that fact somehow escaped her. ]
I can't tell if I should admire the audacity of a stunt like that, or be pissed that she used a part of my father to do it. [ No: on second thought, she's definitely pissed. She's just not sure why, which is infuriating in its own way. ] I guess... in the end, she made sure you stayed 'you', no matter the cost. She was willing to sacrifice everything else for that one thing.
... Is that... [ She chews on her lip, struggling to get the words out. There's nothing she hates more than feeling vulnerable, being forced to question a long held belief about the way the world is, and what it means for her. ] Is that what a mother is supposed to be like?
I figured all of 'em were the same to some degree. Perhaps loving on the surface, but they'd always put themselves first if push came to shove. But it doesn't make sense for her to go so far, if that were the case. [ She doesn't understand. She can't understand. ]
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Date: 2023-11-06 05:31 am (UTC)Sensing that the topic is one that Mordred is genuinely grappling with, it's Gray's turn to glance over. Mordred's mother was of course the infamous witch Morgan, who was apparently responsible for the "purpose" of Gray's village. She's a figure still shrouded in mystery from Gray's perspective, but it wouldn't surprise her if Morgan was an inattentive mother.
Regarding Mordred's last point, ]
I thought that too. That the strength of familial love might actually be really weak. When I used to read stories about families that would do anything for each other, I thought they were closer to fantasy.
[ Because it wasn't just her family, but her entire village that gleefully discarded her individuality in a second. They had been warm and loving as well, until they weren't. How could Gray have faith in love after that? ]
I'm not really sure what my mother was thinking either. If things hadn't played out in the peculiar way they did, she would have sacrificed herself, and I still would have been doomed to stay in that village. My life wouldn't have been any better.
[ If anything, she would've been better off dead; it would never have occurred to her to try to leave, and she's sure she would have eventually gone insane in that place. If Gray's mentor hadn't come along to take her away, her mother's decade of effort would have been for nothing.
Her head tips slowly as she tries to put a point to what she's trying to say. ]
I don't know if I can say she was a normal mother. Maybe she was just an especially kind, determined, and optimistic person.
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Date: 2023-11-07 12:01 am (UTC)Maybe. [ She agrees, because this is so far out of her area of expertise that she can't even hazard a guess. Worn out from the effort of thinking, she flops down onto her stomach and stretches out; wiggling her fingertips in the air. ] But she's the only one who could answer those questions. You made it sound like she's still alive, so... ever thought about what you'd wanna say to her?
[ She knows that if Zenith win, Gray won't ever have the chance. Even so, she chooses to ignore one what-if in favour of another. ]
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Date: 2023-11-08 04:57 am (UTC)I think I'd apologize. I'm certain she could see I was afraid of her. It must have hurt her, no matter how sure she was that she was doing the right thing.
[ Despite living with Gray and the other villagers, she must have been lonely in her secrecy as much as Gray was lonely in her isolation. Gray would have liked to take her away to London to show her the good things in the world, the same as Gray's mentor once did for her.
She looks over at Mordred to see her flopped on the ground. Gray hasn't interacted with many children, but Mordred's fidgetiness makes her think of one. ]
How about your mother? If she showed up here someday, would you want to talk to her?
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Date: 2023-11-09 02:27 am (UTC)... I don't have anything to say to that witch. If she shows up, it'll be Clarent doing the talking.
[ Though Gray might notice that her expression doesn't quite reflect the surety of her claim — it's angry, yes, but her pensiveness betrays something deeper; an emotion not so easily put into words. One thing is for certain: the bad vibes are strong. ]
Besides, what's there to ask? "Why did you hate the king so much?" I already know that. "Why did you curse me with this form?" I know that, too. [ And yet it's clear she's thinking about it. That she's been thinking about it for a long time. ] There's nothing she can say that would satisfy me. Hell, I don't even know if her death would. [ She seems surprised at admitting this. Norangie headbutts her with a tiny mew of concern, but she's too distracted to acknowledge it, and one of her hands curls into a fist. ] Even so, I'd cut her down without a second thought. I know her tricks, so it'd be easy.
[ No it wouldn't. It'd be nothing short of a suicide mission, utterly doomed to failure, but she'd still do it. ]
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Date: 2023-11-10 07:53 am (UTC)Gray at least knows what she'd ask Morgan: "Why did you go so far to try to revive the king?" The answer would be obvious for anyone other than Morgan; most would understand that the return of a legendary king would be glorious to his people. But most people aren't Morgan, who devised the fall of that very same king. Morgan's answer would ultimately make no difference to Gray, who fundamentally needs to reject Arthur's existence to preserve her own, but perhaps it would give meaning to the generations of villagers who preceded her.
Gray is slightly skeptical about Mordred being able to cut Morgan down with ease, not matter how strong Mordred is, but she notes the enthusiasm. ]
If the time ever comes, you should let me help you. Masters and Servants... are supposed to be stronger when they fight together, right?
[ In theory?? As Gray isn't a mage, she isn't sure if her only purpose would be to serve as a battery. ]
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Date: 2023-11-12 09:43 am (UTC)You don't know the kind of shit she's capable of, mouse. People's bodies, their souls, they're all nothing to her. Just playthings compared to her obsession. [ When Mordred calls someone obsessed, you know it's bad. ] If usin' you could get her even half a step closer, she won't hesitate.
[ There's nothing more she can do to destroy Mordred's life. There's a lot more she can still do to destroy Gray's. ]
I know you have just as much right to confront her as I do. But I won't... I mean, you can't give her the chance to finish what your village started. You're different from me, in a good way.
[ A big admittance, for someone as surface level arrogant as Mordred. She'll call Gray many things: weak, pathetic, annoying, troublesome; but in the end, she's the one who needs to live on. Someone who builds, instead of just destroying. Someone with people who want her. Someone who deserves to be wanted. ]
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Date: 2023-11-16 05:34 am (UTC)With a thumb she rubs absently at the command seals burned into the back of her hand, turning thoughts over in her head. There's a number of things she'd like to say, but she's never been in the habit of letting her thoughts stampede straight to her mouth. ]
You said before that you wanted a bold Master who would do anything to win. How can I do that if you won't let me fight with you when it matters?
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Date: 2023-11-28 07:01 pm (UTC)[ Despite her jocular tone, she's clearly taken Gray's (well, her own) words to heart. She rolls onto her back and grins at her, holding up her fist. ]
We'll do it together, then. Just remember to follow my orders like a good squire... no, like a good Master should. [ hm ]
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Date: 2023-11-29 12:25 am (UTC)Mordred's use of the capital-M word is unexpected, and feels a bit wrong in that Gray thinks no one should be calling her that even if it's a Term... but as with all things Mordred, she has to look at the sentiment rather than the execution. With a small smile, she leans to gently bump Mordred's fist. ]
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Date: 2023-11-29 12:25 am (UTC)Ihihihi! Master, huh?! I've been with this idiot a lot longer, so you'd better have a good name lined up for me too!
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Date: 2023-11-29 02:33 am (UTC)[ Mordred sits up so suddenly that Norangie scatters in fright, her jovial expression replaced by a scowl. ]
You heard it too, right? Where are you hiding, you bastard? [ She sticks a hand under the couch and starts furiously sweeping it from side to side, as if a whole-ass knight could possibly fit in the tiny space. ]
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