That's right. It's selfish to want things, but that's also what makes the want human, it's how our souls are defined. It means they're living in accordance to their values, and it's what lets them stay as themselves.
[She's slowed her pace now, fallen in line at Gray's side instead of leading the front without looking her way at all.]
What do you want, Gray? What kind of life do you want to live, for what you believe in?
[A beat.]
Or what do you not want, if the other way is too hard to say?
[ The words roil within her. What she wanted was for her mentor to be safe and happy. With the destruction of their world, she was set adrift.
I want to see my mentor again.
The impossibility of it dragged into reality by Ciel's simple question brings yet more tears to Gray's eyes. Without Abel to interfere, they trickle freely.
Then... what else does she want? The next best answer comes with surprising ease. ]
I want the people I care about to be safe. That includes you... but it also includes Mr. Barnaby and Father Abel.
[ It's selfish and contradictory, but she too is human. ]
Then more important than stand by what you believe in, fight for it if necessary, you have to protect the parts of yourself that make you feel that way.
[Ciel stops, turning fully now to face the meekly hooded girl who's keeping her head low. She can't wipe her tears. It's not within her right. All she can do... Is this. Nag and lecture and talk, for what little worth these words amount to.]
Do you understand, Gray?
[They're alone. Ciel's made sure of it. They're so far out that they've almost reached the beach, and no one comes to these parts for no reason. Visibility is good too: you can see far, anyone possibly tailing them will need to be physically and magically skilled at presence concealment to slip through a gravekeeper and a Burial Agent.
So she speaks freely, because it's all she can do for this girl. Horos... Is truly an unkind place.]
[ Gray never expects anyone to take notice of her crying except as something to be awkwardly ignored. Even she no longer has any care for them except to be exasperated that they've come again; she cries much too easily, and even now she doesn't bother to wipe them away.
More importantly, there's meaning laden in Ciel's question. As naive and wishy-washy as Gray's wish is, there's no condescension in Ciel's advice. Just the opposite. Despite the seriousness of her tone, there's encouragement there for Gray to be more firm in her resolve — what resolve there is to be had — that doesn't run counter to Abel's advice either.
She looks at Ciel with soft, seeing eyes, feeling like a baby bird getting slowly pushed out of its nest. Maybe it could be called tough love... though it feels to her like more than that, a crack that happens to split into a fissure.
She understands some things. She thinks, maybe, that she understands Ciel's meaning. But if she's being urged to fight, then who should she be fighting? The natural target would be the person in direct command of Barnaby and Abel's suffering, but to fight the Regent... ]
Can I really make that much of a difference?
[ She (thinks) she knows her limitations. She isn't wise enough to hatch schemes or rally people around her. The best she can do is follow orders. ]
[Gray is someone who can, unlike Ciel. That's why she won't give her empty platitudes, let it be vapid encouragement or criticism that leaves no room for argument.]
And if you don't, then you'll stay as you are. You'll continue to struggle, until what you can't reconcile with grinds you away.
[If she stays here with the Kenoma, it will chip at her until what makes Gray Gray is no more. It's perhaps more warning than advice: she needs to leave this nest, before the greater beasts that prowl around it eat her whole.]
Are you satisfied with all this? Is this really... you?
[ Capturing Abel. Treating him like he's nothing. Gray's witnessed a Ciel who's had all kinds of opinions about Abel, but even if they were overwhelmingly annoyed and negative, they still came from a place genuinely human. ]
I am all that and worse, Gray. I made my choice to be on this side from the very beginning. You wouldn't have been pushed into this difficult position if not for what I did, right?
[Folding her hands at her back, she answers calmly, easily.]
So in a sense, I suppose I really have no room to talk... But should you really be worrying about me, when your own situation is a lot more dangerous now?
[ Does Ciel feel that strongly about the Kenoma cause? She certainly seems to think the ends justify the means. It's magelike thinking; even if the Holy Church was the enemy of magecraft, Gray was never able to discern a tangible difference between the two organizations in spirit. ]
... Sorry. I don't really know how not to worry.
[ It's in her DNA... Even though her body turned into someone else's, her troublesome anxiety is all hers. ]
[She just laughs a little. The sound is easy, but not very mirthful.]
If you're suspected of acting against orders, your allies, or sympathizing with the enemy, it's only a matter of time before you get in trouble with things no one can help you with. That's why you can't stay here forever, Gray. Why you'll fade away little by little, unless you take the steps to start moving and change for yourself.
[She's too kind, too hopeful to be here, it's as simple as that.]
[ Ciel is right, of course. If Gray were determined to stay, she could certainly slide bit by bit, compromising herself until she fits the mold set by the Regent. If she's going to set a line which must not be crossed, she has to do so now, while she still has the clarity to recognize where it ought to be.
It's a lot to think about. Recognizing that change is necessary isn't the same as knowing the best way to enact that change. But now is the best time to meditate on it; following the chaos in both Godsblood and Venera, the Regent shouldn't be issuing any big orders for at least a little while. ]
I understand. Thank you for the advice, Miss Ciel.
[ It wasn't the lecture she expected, but in a good way. ]
[ Gray might have expected that some Pleroma would abandon all caution and come to Abel and Himeka's rescue — Thoma comes to mind — but Ciel speaks with so much certainty. From the sound of it, she expects things to get chaotic... which wouldn't be surprising given the Pleroma Aions' doggedness in rescuing Vaeka. Gray should probably find it frustrating, but she doesn't. ]
[ Gray, who's only just begun to accept that she needs to change her circumstances, does not quite understand. It sounds like Ciel has something much more urgent in mind — and she may very well be right that if there's any chance of taking action, it will be when the action elsewhere is thickest. ]
... Even if it's at odds with the Regent's wishes?
[She 'asks' without asking, keeping her gaze trailed into the distance without looking back at Gray.]
You haven't disobeyed any direct orders. You simply bore witness to a callous display of what passes as the norm in Achamoth, and it's what made you realize you can't stay here without compromising your sense of self. The Regent prefers willing followers anyway, so it's simply logical and best practice, for you to go before you can really get yourself in trouble.
[Her chest heaves as she exhales.]
We'll be okay here. Focus on yourself. Remember: you have to protect yourself before you can protect others.
[ That snaps things into clarity. Before she can help others, she has to help herself. That rings true to her, especially in this frustrating situation she's built for herself in which she's become little more than a child on the sidelines watching the adults rushing into disaster time and time again. If they feel they can't rely on her, then it must be because she doesn't seem reliable. She has to start with herself, and figure out how to help the people who matter to her in her own way. ]
I simply spoke my mind, no different from you. [Or how Gray is learning to, forming her own stance and putting her wishes into action.] Achamoth will be fine. The Kenoma will be fine. ["Without you."] You must evaluate and prioritize, on what's the most important part at the greatest risk of being lost forever.
[It doesn't need any elaborating, surely. And she does mean more than Gray's sense of self, in this case.]
Hold onto this feeling. When the time comes, don't look back.
[A stronger breeze blows by, lifting Ciel's bangs and threatening to push back Gray's hood. The view of the waters here from this shore... It's probably the last time they'll be here together like this, isn't it.
That's fine, so be it. As long as Gray follows her heart, her soul, they will certainly lead her away from here. Which is for the best, and affirming her wishes is all Ciel can do for her.]
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no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 05:12 am (UTC)[She's slowed her pace now, fallen in line at Gray's side instead of leading the front without looking her way at all.]
What do you want, Gray? What kind of life do you want to live, for what you believe in?
[A beat.]
Or what do you not want, if the other way is too hard to say?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 05:39 am (UTC)[ The words roil within her. What she wanted was for her mentor to be safe and happy. With the destruction of their world, she was set adrift.
I want to see my mentor again.
The impossibility of it dragged into reality by Ciel's simple question brings yet more tears to Gray's eyes. Without Abel to interfere, they trickle freely.
Then... what else does she want? The next best answer comes with surprising ease. ]
I want the people I care about to be safe. That includes you... but it also includes Mr. Barnaby and Father Abel.
[ It's selfish and contradictory, but she too is human. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 06:09 am (UTC)[Ciel stops, turning fully now to face the meekly hooded girl who's keeping her head low. She can't wipe her tears. It's not within her right. All she can do... Is this. Nag and lecture and talk, for what little worth these words amount to.]
Do you understand, Gray?
[They're alone. Ciel's made sure of it. They're so far out that they've almost reached the beach, and no one comes to these parts for no reason. Visibility is good too: you can see far, anyone possibly tailing them will need to be physically and magically skilled at presence concealment to slip through a gravekeeper and a Burial Agent.
So she speaks freely, because it's all she can do for this girl. Horos... Is truly an unkind place.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 08:31 pm (UTC)More importantly, there's meaning laden in Ciel's question. As naive and wishy-washy as Gray's wish is, there's no condescension in Ciel's advice. Just the opposite. Despite the seriousness of her tone, there's encouragement there for Gray to be more firm in her resolve — what resolve there is to be had — that doesn't run counter to Abel's advice either.
She looks at Ciel with soft, seeing eyes, feeling like a baby bird getting slowly pushed out of its nest. Maybe it could be called tough love... though it feels to her like more than that, a crack that happens to split into a fissure.
She understands some things. She thinks, maybe, that she understands Ciel's meaning. But if she's being urged to fight, then who should she be fighting? The natural target would be the person in direct command of Barnaby and Abel's suffering, but to fight the Regent... ]
Can I really make that much of a difference?
[ She (thinks) she knows her limitations. She isn't wise enough to hatch schemes or rally people around her. The best she can do is follow orders. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 10:58 pm (UTC)[Gray is someone who can, unlike Ciel. That's why she won't give her empty platitudes, let it be vapid encouragement or criticism that leaves no room for argument.]
And if you don't, then you'll stay as you are. You'll continue to struggle, until what you can't reconcile with grinds you away.
[If she stays here with the Kenoma, it will chip at her until what makes Gray Gray is no more. It's perhaps more warning than advice: she needs to leave this nest, before the greater beasts that prowl around it eat her whole.]
Will you try?
[Can she spread her wings and fly?]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-09 04:46 am (UTC)But change is hard in a different way, and it's with a bitter, knowing weight that she drags out a reply. ]
Yes. I'll try... however I can.
[ She doesn't know where to begin, but even deciding to begin is progress in itself. One step at a time. That's really the best she can hope for. ]
... But what about you?
1/2
Date: 2022-08-09 09:18 pm (UTC)2/2
Date: 2022-08-09 09:18 pm (UTC)What do you mean?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-10 06:58 am (UTC)[ Capturing Abel. Treating him like he's nothing. Gray's witnessed a Ciel who's had all kinds of opinions about Abel, but even if they were overwhelmingly annoyed and negative, they still came from a place genuinely human. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-10 07:28 am (UTC)I am all that and worse, Gray. I made my choice to be on this side from the very beginning. You wouldn't have been pushed into this difficult position if not for what I did, right?
[Folding her hands at her back, she answers calmly, easily.]
So in a sense, I suppose I really have no room to talk... But should you really be worrying about me, when your own situation is a lot more dangerous now?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-12 02:27 am (UTC)... Sorry. I don't really know how not to worry.
[ It's in her DNA... Even though her body turned into someone else's, her troublesome anxiety is all hers. ]
What do you mean by... dangerous?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-12 03:24 am (UTC)If you're suspected of acting against orders, your allies, or sympathizing with the enemy, it's only a matter of time before you get in trouble with things no one can help you with. That's why you can't stay here forever, Gray. Why you'll fade away little by little, unless you take the steps to start moving and change for yourself.
[She's too kind, too hopeful to be here, it's as simple as that.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-12 05:33 am (UTC)It's a lot to think about. Recognizing that change is necessary isn't the same as knowing the best way to enact that change. But now is the best time to meditate on it; following the chaos in both Godsblood and Venera, the Regent shouldn't be issuing any big orders for at least a little while. ]
I understand. Thank you for the advice, Miss Ciel.
[ It wasn't the lecture she expected, but in a good way. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-12 06:52 am (UTC)[Turning away from Gray, she folds her hands behind her back as she gazes out at the ocean.]
They'll come for their own, sometimes this month. Things will get really chaotic in Achamoth, there's no telling what's going to happen to anyone.
[She starts, almost contemplatively. The Pleromas, the Kenomas. Abel and Himeka.
Gray.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-15 07:36 pm (UTC)Miss Ciel?
[ It seems like something is on her mind. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-16 05:30 am (UTC)[Her gaze remains affixed on the sea's horizon.]
That would be the ideal time. Make sure to protect what's important to you then, and once you start moving, keep going, don't look back.
[Does she understand?]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-17 12:44 am (UTC)... Even if it's at odds with the Regent's wishes?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-18 09:52 am (UTC)[She 'asks' without asking, keeping her gaze trailed into the distance without looking back at Gray.]
You haven't disobeyed any direct orders. You simply bore witness to a callous display of what passes as the norm in Achamoth, and it's what made you realize you can't stay here without compromising your sense of self. The Regent prefers willing followers anyway, so it's simply logical and best practice, for you to go before you can really get yourself in trouble.
[Her chest heaves as she exhales.]
We'll be okay here. Focus on yourself. Remember: you have to protect yourself before you can protect others.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-23 04:00 am (UTC)[ That snaps things into clarity. Before she can help others, she has to help herself. That rings true to her, especially in this frustrating situation she's built for herself in which she's become little more than a child on the sidelines watching the adults rushing into disaster time and time again. If they feel they can't rely on her, then it must be because she doesn't seem reliable. She has to start with herself, and figure out how to help the people who matter to her in her own way. ]
Thank you, Miss Ciel. For speaking with me.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-25 06:28 am (UTC)[It doesn't need any elaborating, surely. And she does mean more than Gray's sense of self, in this case.]
Hold onto this feeling. When the time comes, don't look back.
[A stronger breeze blows by, lifting Ciel's bangs and threatening to push back Gray's hood. The view of the waters here from this shore... It's probably the last time they'll be here together like this, isn't it.
That's fine, so be it. As long as Gray follows her heart, her soul, they will certainly lead her away from here. Which is for the best, and affirming her wishes is all Ciel can do for her.]