[ The criticism is unexpected, but valid. Gray has known that she needs to be more outspoken for a long time now. She lets several footsteps punctuate the silence before answering. ]
I think it's a conflict that seems to have no end. If the Pleroma is like life and the Kenoma is death, then it's natural for the Pleroma to struggle like it does before the Kenoma takes over. But it's also natural for the Kenoma to have its turn... and necessary. Nothing can live forever, and shouldn't.
Having reached that conclusion through your own experiences, do you understand how that affects your current position?
[Yet it sounds more leading than chiding, especially with awareness of what transpired right before they embarked on this walk. Which they still have quite some ways to go, at their current steady and unhurried pace.]
[ Her current position. Gray knows what that means, even if she wouldn't have a year ago. Existing in the Clock Tower means being aware of your position at all times. ]
Yes. I understand, but...
[ But? There should be no "but" when she knows what's expected of her. If Reines could play politics as an actual child, Gray should be able to do it as a teenager. But. ]
Miss Ciel... I think you must know the difference between a life coming to a peaceful end and a life crushed to death. A bad death... one full of regret and suffering, is what breeds ghosts.
And with Gray's analogy, Ciel briefly thinks of a third life. One so full of misery that it begs for death, an existence that has caused or experienced so much regret and suffering already that death would be a reprieve, if not kinder than it deserves. Where would that one fall, then?
...Semantics.]
As a gravekeeper, as you first were, [before Aions, before Kenoma,] what do you wish to do about it?
[ It's a powerful question, and Gray sinks deep into her thoughts in search of an answer. ]
It isn't a gravekeeper's duty to dictate the lives of the living. We aren't doctors who try to prolong life, nor are we executioners who decide when they end. We only ensure that the divide between life and death remains clean... and strong... and calm.
[ In short, as a gravekeeper she ought to do very little. It's a job that concerns itself with nothing outside of its tiny realm. Perhaps it's why she, as passive as she is, is able to be so good at it. ]
I, as myself... I don't want to create any more ghosts. The world we're in now is imperfect, but the next one will be too if the mold it's made in is flawed from the start.
Correct. The Venera team was assigned to quietly take out dissenting citizens who opposed the Regent. Whatever their reasons may have been, they ultimately couldn't obey that directive, and after they were caught and apprehended, we haven't heard news of them since.
[They keep walking, and a heavy silence falls. For what it's worth, Gray isn't asked a question, following that statement.]
[ Gray's lungs seem to arrest, the air too frozen for her to breathe. It's easy to assume the worst, that the Regent deemed Barnaby and the rest irredeemable. The thought of calm, cool, good-hearted Barnaby put to death leaves an icy print on Gray's heart.
She understands what Ciel is driving at. Keep in line. Don't do anything to mark yourself a traitor, or you might be next. That's all good and sensible. But there's still something in Gray's essence that chooses unwisely to protest and be unhappy. It takes her a long time to formulate a response, and when it comes it's restrained in a different way than usual for her, uncommonly bitter. ]
I understand.
[ Why Ciel is talking about these things, where she's going with them. ]
But if we claim that we want to discard this world because of its suffering, why are we only adding to that suffering?
[Because it doesn't matter, once everything is gone for good.]
Because life is full of contradictions, humanity is irrational at its core. What we excel at, more than any other conscious life form, is justify to ourselves what we wholeheartedly believe to be right at any given cost.
[She answers with something that must sound nonsensical. Something one who isn't human may say. But as one who's glimpsed the inner workings of the Clock Tower, maybe Gray would be better poised to understand that statement more than most others around.
On that note, she finally turns slightly to glance back at Gray.]
What about the other side? Can you say that you've gained a better understanding of the Pleroma since you first arrived on Horos, know their goal with the same clarity as you've come to witness of the Kenoma?
[ Not everything makes sense, and that's just how it is. It's a frustrating answer, but she really can't argue with it. Magi are some of the most selfish and contradictory creatures on the planet, and she came to know them well. As for the Pleroma... ]
... I know they want to live because they still have things worth living for.
[ A difficult expression pinches her face. She speaks in theys because she still doesn't count herself among them, not really. ]
That's right. It's selfish to want things, but that's also what makes the want human, it's how our souls are defined. It means they're living in accordance to their values, and it's what lets them stay as themselves.
[She's slowed her pace now, fallen in line at Gray's side instead of leading the front without looking her way at all.]
What do you want, Gray? What kind of life do you want to live, for what you believe in?
[A beat.]
Or what do you not want, if the other way is too hard to say?
[ The words roil within her. What she wanted was for her mentor to be safe and happy. With the destruction of their world, she was set adrift.
I want to see my mentor again.
The impossibility of it dragged into reality by Ciel's simple question brings yet more tears to Gray's eyes. Without Abel to interfere, they trickle freely.
Then... what else does she want? The next best answer comes with surprising ease. ]
I want the people I care about to be safe. That includes you... but it also includes Mr. Barnaby and Father Abel.
[ It's selfish and contradictory, but she too is human. ]
Then more important than stand by what you believe in, fight for it if necessary, you have to protect the parts of yourself that make you feel that way.
[Ciel stops, turning fully now to face the meekly hooded girl who's keeping her head low. She can't wipe her tears. It's not within her right. All she can do... Is this. Nag and lecture and talk, for what little worth these words amount to.]
Do you understand, Gray?
[They're alone. Ciel's made sure of it. They're so far out that they've almost reached the beach, and no one comes to these parts for no reason. Visibility is good too: you can see far, anyone possibly tailing them will need to be physically and magically skilled at presence concealment to slip through a gravekeeper and a Burial Agent.
So she speaks freely, because it's all she can do for this girl. Horos... Is truly an unkind place.]
[ Gray never expects anyone to take notice of her crying except as something to be awkwardly ignored. Even she no longer has any care for them except to be exasperated that they've come again; she cries much too easily, and even now she doesn't bother to wipe them away.
More importantly, there's meaning laden in Ciel's question. As naive and wishy-washy as Gray's wish is, there's no condescension in Ciel's advice. Just the opposite. Despite the seriousness of her tone, there's encouragement there for Gray to be more firm in her resolve — what resolve there is to be had — that doesn't run counter to Abel's advice either.
She looks at Ciel with soft, seeing eyes, feeling like a baby bird getting slowly pushed out of its nest. Maybe it could be called tough love... though it feels to her like more than that, a crack that happens to split into a fissure.
She understands some things. She thinks, maybe, that she understands Ciel's meaning. But if she's being urged to fight, then who should she be fighting? The natural target would be the person in direct command of Barnaby and Abel's suffering, but to fight the Regent... ]
Can I really make that much of a difference?
[ She (thinks) she knows her limitations. She isn't wise enough to hatch schemes or rally people around her. The best she can do is follow orders. ]
[Gray is someone who can, unlike Ciel. That's why she won't give her empty platitudes, let it be vapid encouragement or criticism that leaves no room for argument.]
And if you don't, then you'll stay as you are. You'll continue to struggle, until what you can't reconcile with grinds you away.
[If she stays here with the Kenoma, it will chip at her until what makes Gray Gray is no more. It's perhaps more warning than advice: she needs to leave this nest, before the greater beasts that prowl around it eat her whole.]
Are you satisfied with all this? Is this really... you?
[ Capturing Abel. Treating him like he's nothing. Gray's witnessed a Ciel who's had all kinds of opinions about Abel, but even if they were overwhelmingly annoyed and negative, they still came from a place genuinely human. ]
I am all that and worse, Gray. I made my choice to be on this side from the very beginning. You wouldn't have been pushed into this difficult position if not for what I did, right?
[Folding her hands at her back, she answers calmly, easily.]
So in a sense, I suppose I really have no room to talk... But should you really be worrying about me, when your own situation is a lot more dangerous now?
[ Does Ciel feel that strongly about the Kenoma cause? She certainly seems to think the ends justify the means. It's magelike thinking; even if the Holy Church was the enemy of magecraft, Gray was never able to discern a tangible difference between the two organizations in spirit. ]
... Sorry. I don't really know how not to worry.
[ It's in her DNA... Even though her body turned into someone else's, her troublesome anxiety is all hers. ]
[She just laughs a little. The sound is easy, but not very mirthful.]
If you're suspected of acting against orders, your allies, or sympathizing with the enemy, it's only a matter of time before you get in trouble with things no one can help you with. That's why you can't stay here forever, Gray. Why you'll fade away little by little, unless you take the steps to start moving and change for yourself.
[She's too kind, too hopeful to be here, it's as simple as that.]
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no subject
Date: 2022-08-06 05:10 am (UTC)I think it's a conflict that seems to have no end. If the Pleroma is like life and the Kenoma is death, then it's natural for the Pleroma to struggle like it does before the Kenoma takes over. But it's also natural for the Kenoma to have its turn... and necessary. Nothing can live forever, and shouldn't.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-06 05:32 am (UTC)[Yet it sounds more leading than chiding, especially with awareness of what transpired right before they embarked on this walk. Which they still have quite some ways to go, at their current steady and unhurried pace.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-06 06:07 am (UTC)Yes. I understand, but...
[ But? There should be no "but" when she knows what's expected of her. If Reines could play politics as an actual child, Gray should be able to do it as a teenager. But. ]
Miss Ciel... I think you must know the difference between a life coming to a peaceful end and a life crushed to death. A bad death... one full of regret and suffering, is what breeds ghosts.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-06 06:24 am (UTC)And with Gray's analogy, Ciel briefly thinks of a third life. One so full of misery that it begs for death, an existence that has caused or experienced so much regret and suffering already that death would be a reprieve, if not kinder than it deserves. Where would that one fall, then?
...Semantics.]
As a gravekeeper, as you first were, [before Aions, before Kenoma,] what do you wish to do about it?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-06 07:04 am (UTC)It isn't a gravekeeper's duty to dictate the lives of the living. We aren't doctors who try to prolong life, nor are we executioners who decide when they end. We only ensure that the divide between life and death remains clean... and strong... and calm.
[ In short, as a gravekeeper she ought to do very little. It's a job that concerns itself with nothing outside of its tiny realm. Perhaps it's why she, as passive as she is, is able to be so good at it. ]
I, as myself... I don't want to create any more ghosts. The world we're in now is imperfect, but the next one will be too if the mold it's made in is flawed from the start.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-07 01:55 am (UTC)That's good.]
So that's your answer.
How well do you know Howl, Barnaby, and Liem, Gray?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-07 04:06 am (UTC)I only know Mr. Barnaby very well. Mr. Howl and Mr. Liem, not so much.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-07 07:04 am (UTC)[The first hint of something, since this 'quizzing' began.]
Barnaby and Liem were part of the Venera team, but both haven't been seen and are unreachable since everyone got back to Achamoth. Do you know why?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 03:18 am (UTC)That tried to sabotage the mission.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 03:38 am (UTC)[They keep walking, and a heavy silence falls. For what it's worth, Gray isn't asked a question, following that statement.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 04:07 am (UTC)She understands what Ciel is driving at. Keep in line. Don't do anything to mark yourself a traitor, or you might be next. That's all good and sensible. But there's still something in Gray's essence that chooses unwisely to protest and be unhappy. It takes her a long time to formulate a response, and when it comes it's restrained in a different way than usual for her, uncommonly bitter. ]
I understand.
[ Why Ciel is talking about these things, where she's going with them. ]
But if we claim that we want to discard this world because of its suffering, why are we only adding to that suffering?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 04:44 am (UTC)Because life is full of contradictions, humanity is irrational at its core. What we excel at, more than any other conscious life form, is justify to ourselves what we wholeheartedly believe to be right at any given cost.
[She answers with something that must sound nonsensical. Something one who isn't human may say. But as one who's glimpsed the inner workings of the Clock Tower, maybe Gray would be better poised to understand that statement more than most others around.
On that note, she finally turns slightly to glance back at Gray.]
What about the other side? Can you say that you've gained a better understanding of the Pleroma since you first arrived on Horos, know their goal with the same clarity as you've come to witness of the Kenoma?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 05:05 am (UTC)... I know they want to live because they still have things worth living for.
[ A difficult expression pinches her face. She speaks in theys because she still doesn't count herself among them, not really. ]
That's just how normal people are, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 05:12 am (UTC)[She's slowed her pace now, fallen in line at Gray's side instead of leading the front without looking her way at all.]
What do you want, Gray? What kind of life do you want to live, for what you believe in?
[A beat.]
Or what do you not want, if the other way is too hard to say?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 05:39 am (UTC)[ The words roil within her. What she wanted was for her mentor to be safe and happy. With the destruction of their world, she was set adrift.
I want to see my mentor again.
The impossibility of it dragged into reality by Ciel's simple question brings yet more tears to Gray's eyes. Without Abel to interfere, they trickle freely.
Then... what else does she want? The next best answer comes with surprising ease. ]
I want the people I care about to be safe. That includes you... but it also includes Mr. Barnaby and Father Abel.
[ It's selfish and contradictory, but she too is human. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 06:09 am (UTC)[Ciel stops, turning fully now to face the meekly hooded girl who's keeping her head low. She can't wipe her tears. It's not within her right. All she can do... Is this. Nag and lecture and talk, for what little worth these words amount to.]
Do you understand, Gray?
[They're alone. Ciel's made sure of it. They're so far out that they've almost reached the beach, and no one comes to these parts for no reason. Visibility is good too: you can see far, anyone possibly tailing them will need to be physically and magically skilled at presence concealment to slip through a gravekeeper and a Burial Agent.
So she speaks freely, because it's all she can do for this girl. Horos... Is truly an unkind place.]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 08:31 pm (UTC)More importantly, there's meaning laden in Ciel's question. As naive and wishy-washy as Gray's wish is, there's no condescension in Ciel's advice. Just the opposite. Despite the seriousness of her tone, there's encouragement there for Gray to be more firm in her resolve — what resolve there is to be had — that doesn't run counter to Abel's advice either.
She looks at Ciel with soft, seeing eyes, feeling like a baby bird getting slowly pushed out of its nest. Maybe it could be called tough love... though it feels to her like more than that, a crack that happens to split into a fissure.
She understands some things. She thinks, maybe, that she understands Ciel's meaning. But if she's being urged to fight, then who should she be fighting? The natural target would be the person in direct command of Barnaby and Abel's suffering, but to fight the Regent... ]
Can I really make that much of a difference?
[ She (thinks) she knows her limitations. She isn't wise enough to hatch schemes or rally people around her. The best she can do is follow orders. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-08 10:58 pm (UTC)[Gray is someone who can, unlike Ciel. That's why she won't give her empty platitudes, let it be vapid encouragement or criticism that leaves no room for argument.]
And if you don't, then you'll stay as you are. You'll continue to struggle, until what you can't reconcile with grinds you away.
[If she stays here with the Kenoma, it will chip at her until what makes Gray Gray is no more. It's perhaps more warning than advice: she needs to leave this nest, before the greater beasts that prowl around it eat her whole.]
Will you try?
[Can she spread her wings and fly?]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-09 04:46 am (UTC)But change is hard in a different way, and it's with a bitter, knowing weight that she drags out a reply. ]
Yes. I'll try... however I can.
[ She doesn't know where to begin, but even deciding to begin is progress in itself. One step at a time. That's really the best she can hope for. ]
... But what about you?
1/2
Date: 2022-08-09 09:18 pm (UTC)2/2
Date: 2022-08-09 09:18 pm (UTC)What do you mean?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-10 06:58 am (UTC)[ Capturing Abel. Treating him like he's nothing. Gray's witnessed a Ciel who's had all kinds of opinions about Abel, but even if they were overwhelmingly annoyed and negative, they still came from a place genuinely human. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-10 07:28 am (UTC)I am all that and worse, Gray. I made my choice to be on this side from the very beginning. You wouldn't have been pushed into this difficult position if not for what I did, right?
[Folding her hands at her back, she answers calmly, easily.]
So in a sense, I suppose I really have no room to talk... But should you really be worrying about me, when your own situation is a lot more dangerous now?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-12 02:27 am (UTC)... Sorry. I don't really know how not to worry.
[ It's in her DNA... Even though her body turned into someone else's, her troublesome anxiety is all hers. ]
What do you mean by... dangerous?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-12 03:24 am (UTC)If you're suspected of acting against orders, your allies, or sympathizing with the enemy, it's only a matter of time before you get in trouble with things no one can help you with. That's why you can't stay here forever, Gray. Why you'll fade away little by little, unless you take the steps to start moving and change for yourself.
[She's too kind, too hopeful to be here, it's as simple as that.]
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